Fingernail Computers

Forget eyeglasses and watches. I want a smartphone that I can paint onto my fingernail. With a full keyboard. And 2 USB ports.

I also want an invisibility cloak designed by the U.S. army so that I don’t look ridiculous using my fingernailphone.

For earphones, I want tiny earbuds that I can drop into my ears and forget about. They must also be tiny Roombas that clear out the wax.

Instead of plaque, my teeth will accumulate movies downloaded via the Pirate Bay, most of which I’ll brush away without watching.

The movies I do watch on my fingernail (in fullscreen) I will enjoy based mostly on how many closeups they have.

My favourites will be stagey films from the dawn of the sound era and newer ones in which little changes, e.g. single-takes of skies.

If I ever run out of teeth, or they fall out, my movie collection will break out on my face as acne.

If I’m too pretty for acne, the downloaded movies will appear as sweat. My deoderant will be the MPAA, with which I will cover my armpits.

Viruses will cause my fingernail to rot. Malware will be the snot that stuffs up my nose. Tissues will be my freeware AV software.

If I paint my toenail instead of my fingernail and stub my toe, it means my Windows has bluescreened.

If I paint my fingernail white and lose nearly all control of it, it means I am using an iNail. Replacements will be expensive.

If I paint my fingernail using whatever colour I damn well please using whichever brush I choose, I am using Linux.

One day I will smash my nail with a hammer. It will fall off, and portable fingernail computing will be (painfully) born.

Once fingernail computing takes off, “flipping the bird” will be what we do on the subway to play Angry Birds. “Yes, three stars!”

Fingernail computing will also spur the sales of rubber gloves (i.e. comp-condoms), especially for women, proctologists and Rafael Nadal.

Unfortunately, incidents of chopping [off fingers], yanking [teeth] and [plaque] scraping will also rise. The law will react slowly.

When we complain about the lack of legal reform, some Justice or other will tell us: “Boo hoo. Sit on your computer and rotate.”

Tough cases may make bad law, but dirty fingers and crusty central processing units make a bad world for everyone.

A cult of Neo-Luddites will arise. They shall call themselves The Fingerless and, indeed, they shall be without fingers.

The leader of the The Fingerless shall be a man called Tom Thumbdrive. His thumb will be his only finger. He shall disapprove much.

The Fingerless will attempt a vast and devastating terrorist attack, only to discover that you can’t do a lot without fingers.

Tom Thumbdrive will fall from prominence until he is nothing more than a title character with the blues in a revamped Bob Dylan song.

Once fingernail computers have been around for long enough, those that are old, slow and outdated will be referred to as “snails”.

Data transfers will take place when people touch fingertips, changing the slang meaning of the term “fingering”.

(“I fingered your mom last night.” / “What the hell for?” / “Cupcake recipe.”)

Computing enthusiasts will experiment with multiple fingernail computers at once (at which point “fisting” will also change its meaning.)

In the French-speaking world (and Quebec), fingernail computers will be known as “les onglenateurs”.

If you have a fingernail computer, biting your nails will become an effective way of protecting your privacy. “Sorry, NSA. I ate my data.”

That’s enough techno-predictions for tonight. Tomorrow: molar microprocessing and snortable .flac files for the hardcore audiophile.

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